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Why you can't plan a threesome

It's a rant... You'll have to read and judge for yourself.

First off a few disclaimers: 1) If you think that you are somehow part of what inspired this rant, chances are you aren't 2) I know that it is technically possible to plan a threesome. 3) Yeah, I have a lot of young friends that probably shouldn't be reading me talk about this but screw it. It's after midnight, I've got my micro-brewed ginger ale, and my legs are still pleasantly tingly from a little over a dozen miles of playing in traffic. If your mom is going to get mad at me then don't read this.

As a matter of plausible deniability I will remove the details and say that at some point in the not too distant past I was watching porn with a beautiful woman. One guy, two gals. I said, "We should get one of those... another woman that is."

"Totally, but you can never plan a threesome." She said. And she's right.

On a similar note at another point in the not-too-distant past I was talking smack and challenging another young lady to games that are not fit for public-consumption. We would see each other at social events, talk the talk but when it came time to walk the walk, there was always an excuse or a giggle and a bomb-out.

But talking the talk and not walking the walk is not unusual. In fact years back I was at my parents' house on a Friday night, still awake late from the jetlag with no friends and nothing to do so I went to go see a movie. The only thing playing in the suburbs of Florida that I had not already seen in the heart of Hollywood was The Grudge (it was opening that night). So I found myself alone in line at the movie theater and ahead of me was a pack of early highschoolers, mostly girls but there might have been a boy among them (go figure at a Sarah Michelle Gellar movie). All I remember was one of them talking about their presumably female friend who had fooled around with another girl and one of them boasting about how she had totally made out with a girl before.

Fifteen years after highschool I can say that it doesn't take fifteen years of studying humans to know that when a highschooler boldly boasts about doing something seemingly taboo, they're lying. At the time I had to grit my teeth to keep from laughing out loud, but later found the story interesting because these girls were not just non-condemning of dabbling with homosexuality, but one of them was lying to say she had jumped the fence. But now I bring it up because it was an example of talking big.

Years back I got on this kick, and many of you may have heard this and even disproved me on different points, but I stand by my conclusions... Years back I thought about if you take the ultra-stereotypical standard letter-to-Penthouse male fantasy written by the standard ultra-stereotypical guy who would write a letter to Penthouse and brought it to life and let it play out around him, he couldn't go through with it.

"Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me but the other day the doorbell rang and it was not the usual mailman but a hot chick busting out of her blue uniform. She said, ‘Wow it's so hot can I come in..." And she made her way to the kitchen where I gave her a glass of water she poured it on her because she was so hot--stuck to her tits... blah blah blah... she wanted to check out my bedroom ... blah blah blah... was good to go... I pulled off her clothes"... and so on and so forth.

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