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Why you can't plan a threesome

It's a rant... You'll have to read and judge for yourself.

First off a few disclaimers: 1) If you think that you are somehow part of what inspired this rant, chances are you aren't 2) I know that it is technically possible to plan a threesome. 3) Yeah, I have a lot of young friends that probably shouldn't be reading me talk about this but screw it. It's after midnight, I've got my micro-brewed ginger ale, and my legs are still pleasantly tingly from a little over a dozen miles of playing in traffic. If your mom is going to get mad at me then don't read this.

As a matter of plausible deniability I will remove the details and say that at some point in the not too distant past I was watching porn with a beautiful woman. One guy, two gals. I said, "We should get one of those... another woman that is."

"Totally, but you can never plan a threesome." She said. And she's right.

On a similar note at another point in the not-too-distant past I was talking smack and challenging another young lady to games that are not fit for public-consumption. We would see each other at social events, talk the talk but when it came time to walk the walk, there was always an excuse or a giggle and a bomb-out.

But talking the talk and not walking the walk is not unusual. In fact years back I was at my parents' house on a Friday night, still awake late from the jetlag with no friends and nothing to do so I went to go see a movie. The only thing playing in the suburbs of Florida that I had not already seen in the heart of Hollywood was The Grudge (it was opening that night). So I found myself alone in line at the movie theater and ahead of me was a pack of early highschoolers, mostly girls but there might have been a boy among them (go figure at a Sarah Michelle Gellar movie). All I remember was one of them talking about their presumably female friend who had fooled around with another girl and one of them boasting about how she had totally made out with a girl before.

Fifteen years after highschool I can say that it doesn't take fifteen years of studying humans to know that when a highschooler boldly boasts about doing something seemingly taboo, they're lying. At the time I had to grit my teeth to keep from laughing out loud, but later found the story interesting because these girls were not just non-condemning of dabbling with homosexuality, but one of them was lying to say she had jumped the fence. But now I bring it up because it was an example of talking big.

Years back I got on this kick, and many of you may have heard this and even disproved me on different points, but I stand by my conclusions... Years back I thought about if you take the ultra-stereotypical standard letter-to-Penthouse male fantasy written by the standard ultra-stereotypical guy who would write a letter to Penthouse and brought it to life and let it play out around him, he couldn't go through with it.

"Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me but the other day the doorbell rang and it was not the usual mailman but a hot chick busting out of her blue uniform. She said, ‘Wow it's so hot can I come in..." And she made her way to the kitchen where I gave her a glass of water she poured it on her because she was so hot--stuck to her tits... blah blah blah... she wanted to check out my bedroom ... blah blah blah... was good to go... I pulled off her clothes"... and so on and so forth.

Now if the standard ultra-stereotypical letter-writer was at home and the hot blonde came to the door and made her way into his kitchen and started pouring water on herself, he'd be like, "What the hell is this freak doing making a mess in my kitchen?" If he even got that far. If she asked to come in in the first place chances are he'd stammer, and think he was being put on or something and make excuses to not let her in. But let's say that they got to bedroom, he wouldn't be taking her by the arm and pulling off articles of clothing with the other hand, he'd be worrying about whatever mess may (or may not) be on the floor. And when she ripped of her clothes opened her legs and beckoned for him to come he'd immediately think, "She has to have as many diseases as West Africa" and shoo her off his sheets. But in his fantasy he hits that shit!

I was baffled by the separation of fantasy and reality. If you asked a guy, "Hey, you're alone at a casino club, you make eye contact with a hot chick and she slips you her room key, do you go for it?", he'd say, "Hell yeah." But in reality he wouldn't. He says Hell yeah because in a hypothetical world that's hot sex. But in reality he'd assumed that there was a big scary boyfriend up there waiting to take his wallet and maybe his kidney.

In our letter-writer's fantasy he's ready to go because no one catches syphilis, crabs or AIDS in their fantasy. Every forward hot blonde you pick up at the club in your fantasy is a virgin that has not slept with 3 guys per weekend for the last 6 years.

But this applies to THINKING people. Idiots, drunks, and your friend with the common sense of a goal post follow the hot blonde back to her room because it never occurs to them that they are going to leave there either a wallet lighter or an infection heavier. Getting back to my original point, these people can't plan a threesome because they can't plan.

But let's get back to coherent people, in fact we'll get back to our coherent guy alone at the casino club with a beautiful woman's room key. Alone he won't go, but if he had 2 buddies with him, he'd walk over to brag and get some advice. People need to be told what to do and love to brag, no matter how they actually accomplish both.

"Dude, that hot chick just gave me here room key!"

His buddies will tell him he has to go. Of course all of them, alone, without the council of their friends would not go either. But they can tell him to go because It's not their wallet or syphilis-free bill of health at stake. Same as with any fantasy, it's not really going to happen so, yeah, go for it. Fearless!

When nothing can go wrong people are very inclined to go for it. This applies to when it's just talk or when it's not them having to go through with it. When it is them, when the hot bombshell actually puts a room key in their hand, they don't do it if they have time to think. If they're foolish or out of their heads, then they might, and again-- that's not when plans happen.

Plans happen when you are actually going to do something. When you are simply talking big, you don't believe that you are going to do something, but when you are really planning something then you start thinking about how it will play out. You start to think about the large boyfriend with a knife waiting in the hotel room, the visits to the doctor, the stalking, the cops, the ruined reputation, what THEY might say, what THEY will think of you. The possibilities kill the plan.

But here's the thing about fear: in the planning phase it never shows up as itself. When you're flying downhill on Wilshire Blvd from Westwood into Beverly Hills in the middle of the night and thinking about how small your bike light is, how few street lights there are and how deep some of those potholes are fear shows it's true colors. But when you are making plans fear has time to hide. He shows up as "I have to wake up early tomorrow", "I don't have the money for that", "I couldn't miss the work", "I'd have to ask my significant other". Or the boldest, where fear simply puts up a duckblind in the middle of a field: "I just can't".

Threesomes are not usual. We don't have them all the time. If you're single it requires you to score with twice as many people and in a very narrow window of time and under unusual circumstances. Doesn't happen a lot. If you already have a regular lay then you have to score with another person with the complications of sex and relationships. While some people may say, "Oh that's my usual Friday night." For pretty much everyone else, they're not common at all and that which is not common is unusual and that which is unusual is scary and taboo. It's human nature with a few hundred million years of evolutionary logic behind it.

So if a thinking person or people are sitting around talking big then they would totally be down with a threesome. But when talking big turns to planning, there is thinking and fear slips in and excuses pop up. Phantoms of potential catastrophes swarm to the plan like flies and ants to a freshly laid delicious spread of food at a picnic.

It's 5pm on a Friday in LA. You're getting off work and you get a call, "Let's go to Vegas, right now! We could be there by 11." You don't have anything special going on this weekend, but yet you say, "I can't. I think I have a thing" or "I can't afford it." or the duck-blind, "I just can't... maybe if we had planned it."

If you had planned it what would be different? You'd still be doing the same thing, the same time gone, the same money spent...? Well the answer is that you would have had time to block your fear. You would have had time to acclimate the idea. Mill it over in your head to where it is not new and thus not unusual and thus not scary.

If you had two people you regularly have sex with and they regularly have sex with each other and you all regularly have sex with each other then you could call up and say, "Hey how ‘bout you come over tomorrow night for some fun. I'm calling our other friend and... " You could then plan a threesome. But in that situation a threesome isn't the same threesome that the rest of us have. The rest of us have nights where we have broken from what we expect and are dancing along the edge of things we can't anticipate.

For the rest of us who haven't done these things a hundred times we can't plan them. If you stop to think of a plan then fear creeps in. So new, unusual things (threesomes) only happen either when we are too stupid to plan (either temporarily or permanently) or before we have a chance to plan them. And there is one other time and place that threesomes happen.. or should I say there is one other mindset where threesomes can happen.

I hope everyone realizes this post is not really about sex... but I still don't know anyone who I believe would keep to a planned threesome.

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